Wow, I love alternate tales, and this sounded like a great one just from the beginning! I love how Brahma thinks of a loophole to the power given to Ravana by Vishnu. I also love these types of stories, the typical "regular" person living their daily life, and then suddenly gets trapped in a world of magic or something and becomes a hero. The cover picture with four drawn characters kind of reminded me of the Harry Potter or Shadowhunters series :) I also thought it was cool that the heroes in this story won't be gods or any reincarnations. I can't wait to read the next part and see how exactly the girl realizes her true potential and finds the others! I like the length of the introduction, but if you wanted to make it a little longer, you could add a backstory of why Ravana wanted to invade all the kingdoms and why Vishnu had bestowed the power onto Ravana. Good job so far, and good luck on the rest of the project!
Haley, I just read the introduction to your Storybook. I liked that the introduction was centered around the characters' strategic planning. Even though we learn a little bit about the overall plan to defeat Ravana, you do not give away any important details. Instead, the ending of your post is very intriguing. A GIRL may be one of the chosen to defeat Ravana, and she doesn't even know it. This is one of those stories about a normal person being dragged into a situation they didn't even know existed, and these are always the best stories (i.e. Harry Potter, lol). A lot of the projects that I am seeing in this course seem to be very empowering for women, and I sense that aspect in your project, too. The only thing that I could suggest would be to try an editing challenge in which you try lengthening your paragraphs and adding more detail. Good job!
So first of all, I love the images that you included in your title page and introduction. The four chibis are absolutely adorable! I like your idea on how to retell the Ramayana. Instead of just one person, like a god reincarnated as a human, it will take multiple normal humans working together to defeat Ravana. After reading all of these stories essentially of gods and their children, it is nice to see a set of stories about normal people. I am curious as to how you will find and develop each of these four warriors. Will they be of different backgrounds or castes? Will they all be proficient in different weapons or powers? The thought is just so exciting! In terms of critique, I do not see anything that has not already been mentioned or suggested, so I have nothing to add there. Good job on the introduction! I cannot wait to see what happens to the girl and what she must face to find her other three companions!
I also am relating a lot of my storytelling back to the Ramayana as I think it is a fun topic to write about. I believe this story is most similar to some of our own lives and will be easiest to relate it back to daily lives here at OU. I didn't notice too many things wrong with your beginning but I would like to see a little bit more detail to show the readers more about who you're writing about but overall I really liked your writing as a whole. I also liked the set up of your website as it was very easy to navigate. I hope you will also get to read some of my project as well as I love to get some feedback for my peers on what I could do better with my writing. I hope that I get to read more of your work the rest of the semester and hope you have a good year!
Hey Haley! I just read through your introduction and I am intrigued to read what your next few stories will be about! I understand reading the introduction that it will involve four warriors, but will they all be female? I assume so based on the background photo that you've chosen for your storybook site. Although you explained well what your stories would be about and how you would change them, your author's note cut off, so I'm not sure what you were wanting to say at the end of it. I wonder, as well, what kind of adventures you will take us on when revealing each of the warriors. I like how you semi-introduced the first warrior and, of course, how she is a female. Girl power! I'm all for the strength that women have and to portray that in a story! Good luck with the rest of your storybook, can't wait to see what's next!
I really liked your introduction! I liked that you gave some background on how the gods would be choosing heroes and that each of the heroes would have their own journeys. I think it sets you up nicely to have a lots to write about. I was curious as I was reading your introduction... will Rama make any kind of appearance? Will some version of him be one of the heroes? Or will the four heroes replace his character arc in the Ramayana?
I also really like your idea of adding some sort of magical conditions that prohibit a single person from killing Ravana. I think it will make the ultimate battle very interesting.
I did notice a couple of phrasing issues you might consider changing. Your second sentence of your second paragraph is very long. I would consider dividing it up into smaller sentences. Additionally, in your fourth paragraph you start a sentence with the phrase "It was because of this that". Rewording for clarity and adding a noun beside "this" would be helpful.
Overall I really liked your introduction and look forward to reading your story!
Hey, Haley! I think it's super cool that you chose the topic of a female warrior in lieu of Rama - it's super unique, and there are so many awesome avenues you can take with it. I also love that the focus of your stories seems to be on the character of the protagonist rather than the progression of events, since you give that away in the introduction. This makes the stories even more interesting to read because it makes your characters' personalities a mystery. Specifically, the fact that you give Kyra a very sassy, strong attitude is very cool. I really loved your story on Kyra - I thought it was well crafted and quite humorous. The way you incorporated her sass and character into the entire ordeal borrowed from the original Ramayana was very clever, and it really complemented the details you had in your introduction in the conversation between Brahma and Vishnu. Aesthetically, your page is really pleasing, too - it is simple, yet powerful. Like some of the others have commented, perhaps you could switch up the background for each warrior to one that may aesthetically convey their nature? Overall, I really like the work that you have put into it so far, and look forward to reading more of it in the future!
Haley, I just read the introduction and first story of your storybook. I read the introduction maybe two weeks ago, and it seems like you made the girl, Kyra, even more intriguing which made me excited to read the first tale. Also, I like that you started the introduction with a gist of the Ramayana and then a blurb about what your project would be about. Reading Kyra's story, it was clear that she has a lot of personality. Also, giving the background story of the wife that Kyra had to defeat through dialogue was very clever. Throughout the tale, we got to know what Kyra was thinking and were given necessary information by the characters speaking with one another. This type of interaction ensures that the story isn't dry. The one thing that I would suggest would be to add some more pictures within the body of the text as we cannot easily see the pictures that are currently behind the story titles. Good job on this.
First off, I would like to say you did a great job with you r introduction. The idea of making your project about the "untold alternate stories" of of the Ramayana. You did a great job explaining how the four young warriors would be in battle to defeat Ravana, through out your project! I like how you didn't completely map out how the stories were going to be told in your project. Usually when I write my introduction I always try to give my audience a heads ups on the plot and the characters. However, now that I have seen how your wrote your introduction with a sort of mystery. I do have a suggestion. I thin k it would be beneficial if you put a link to your comment page on your home page of your project. I had some trouble getting to your comment wall. Great job though!
Hi Haley, Great job in your introduction. It is hard for me to come up with any critiques. You did a great job on balancing the dialogue with just the regular details. I have a difficult time doing this so! You seem to have pretty strong writing skills. I like how you never really gave away the story you always kind of left it a mystery as to what would continue happen as the story moved along. Even though you cannot really compare your story to this, but I think it is sort of similar to Powder Puff Girls. All of your characters are very empowering. Good job!
I was really impressed with your introduction and layout for your project! It is very nicely put together. Your introduction was great and provided a great amount of detail and backstory to leave me wanting to read more! I was very excited to see some projects for the Indian Epics class, and I think that yours did not disappoint. I think my favorite warrior was definitely Kyra. She was the one who set everything in motion and began recruiting the other three warriors. I think a defining moment for her was when Neerav was convinced that he was a chosen warrior by the look in Kyra's eyes. She is just a fierce competitor and she brought that fierceness everywhere that she went. I wonder what is going to happen in the next two adventures? Will the other warriors join the cause immediately, or will they be apprehensive? I am looking forward to what comes next!
I chose to read your storybook this week from the list. I think I chose yours because the title stood out to me. It seemed interesting from the start. Once I dove into your project, it just got better! Your layout was very neat and your website was definitely easy to navigate. I liked how you made your pictures the banner of you stories. It really intensifies it. I think that maybe it would be a good idea to also include the picture at the bottom. This way it isn’t quite so blown up and we can maybe see a more zoomed out version of the picture. However, it is cool that you just provided us with their eyes. It does make it seem fiercer. The actual stories were really fun to read and I have not criticism of those. The only thing I would suggest is that you provide an obvious link to your comment wall so that it is easier for us to give you feedback!
I like the overall look and layout of your project. One suggestion on your homepage I would give you, is to give a link to the Ramayana where you reference this. Are you using a certain version of the Ramayana? Or are you choosing multiple different versions throughout your project? I think this would be something interesting and necessary to address. Where you have it written on your homepage would be the perfect place to add this information!
I love your story Kyra, I think it is my favorite out of your four! The story is so well done. I love the dialogue and description that goes on. The story flows so well and really draws me in. I also absolutely love the way you have the different layouts for each story. The eyes of the characters matching so well looks incredible.
Overall, your project looks amazing! From your layout to your stories, I am so impressed with what you've done so far!
Hi Haley. I read your introduction and first story about Kyra. I thought you did a wonderful job writing your story, but I do agree with Kayleigh about telling everyone in the introduction which version of the Ramanyana you are using just so people understand what's going on. You did a really great job with the dialogue. It flowed really well and the characters were very well developed. I don't really have a lot of critiques for you other than that. You are doing a great job. Keep it up!
Hey, Haley This is actually my first time visiting your site. I really enjoy the clean and open layout- with only the anime eyes for each page. I enjoyed the color coordination of each of the stories and the characters. I question your lack of pictures throughout the story- it can make it difficult to stay interested in your story without more pictures throughout the dense text. But as I was reading- I decided I had changed my mind. Your stories are also so very detailed. There are characters included in your story that I had either forgotten about, or just never read about. Your understanding of the characters in the Ramayana must be quite immense. Overall, great stories so far- and I look forward to stopping by later to check the final layout of your project. Oh, and I think you would really enjoy some Lo-Fi anime vibe videos on youtube. You could imbed a video on your page and I think your readers would really vibe with it.
First of all, I love the main picture on your website. It is welcoming and sweet, but it still is interesting because of the title (I am excited to see how these four characters become warriors). I just received some helpful feedback from another classmate that I think would find helpful as well: he suggested that I add a link to my comment wall to my home page on my project. I found this to be very helpful for both me and my readers. As for your stories, I found them equally as interesting! Your introduction gave exceptional background information in order to understand the stories, and they all related to each other! I love that part about your project; it was very easy to follow. Also, I feel like it is very difficult to add dialogue in some stories, and I love the detail you put in to the characters' conversations. I think my favorite of your stories was Neerav; the opening was very romantic, and I am a sucker for a good love story. Thank you for your awesome writing!
I just read the first two stories of your storybook and really enjoyed them. I love your theme of spreading Rama's characteristics and talents across a group of four rather than having one person embody them all. I think a downfall to a lot of ancient stories is that the hero's have almost no weaknesses. Within your first two stories you create two sympathetic character that also feel human and have weaknesses.
In your second story, your author's notes says that Neerav is very witty and intelligent and that those will be his greatest strengths. I think it would have been nice to have Neerav have some opportunity to show his skills in his introduction story like Kyra was able to in hers. It might give the reader a better feel for the character and keep the flow of your storybook consistent. Overall, I really liked your storybook and look forward to reading more!
Hi Haley! It looks like your storybook is off to a really awesome start! The homepage image is so super cute, and perfect for your story. Then the stories themselves are great too! The introduction is fantastic. I love that it gives all the detail that a reader will need to understand what is going on in your story, plus it adds some insight to the minds of the gods, which I feel like we definitely miss out on in other Indian Epics. I feel like it's going to be so interesting to have four humans teaming up to defeat Ravana. The way you explain your heroes in your author's note, it sounds like it's going to be great having fallible humans who each embody an aspect needed to defeat Ravana in the end. It's a great way to make the story more interesting and give it more depth. I can't wait to meet the other heroes and see how they all mesh together. It should be interesting!
Hi Haley! Your portfolio looks great so far! I really like what you have done with spreading Rama's traits across a group of people, that is a super interesting way to do this assignment. Your introduction does a great job of getting the reader a good place to start from to really understand how your stories connect. Your stories are very well written and are fun to read. The layout of your site is great as well. I like the clean, open design of the homepage and the background picture really goes well with what you are doing with your stories. Your characters are very interesting and well-developed and I am excited to see how they do battling the Ravana as a team. I really like how you separated the stories into individual tales of each one. Overall I think you have done a very good job with this portfolio
Haley, I just read your second storybook story on Neerav. I love the juxtaposition of Kyra and Vishwamithra. It is so funny to read about an old man who never stops smiling and a young teenage girl with an attitude. Neerav is also completely different from these two characters. He seems shy and unsure of himself, and I get the feeling that he has probably never felt very appreciated in his life. I am sure that the adventure that he is about to go on with the others will allow him to show his strengths! Also, it is great that you have the other two titles posted already. This proves that you have a plan and it will entice your readers into coming back to read the finished project! I would suggest adding some more pictures within the body of the text, as the only pictures that are on the blog now are behind the story titles. More pictures will only serve to help your reader imagine the setting and imagery that you are creating for them. Good job on this!
Hi again, Haley! Last time, I had read your story about Kyra, so this time I read the story of Neerav. I think the crux of Neerav's story was absolutely wonderful - the way that you connected Kyra's story with Neerav's was very helpful for the reader, and the connecting element of Vishwamitra made the Ramayana-related themes apparent. I thought the story flowed very smoothly, and the message behind it was bold . Reading your author's note about your story, I thought that, although there you mentioned that there was no immediate connection to events in the Ramayana, the resemblance to when Rama initially leaves to go fight Tataki was somewhat apparent. Overall, I think that your storytelling was very nice, and leaves me grasping for more. Great job!
Your project looks great and I can definitely tell that you've put a lot of work into it. In your introduction, I am a little bit confused by these two sentences - "What was even more pressing was the fact that Vishnu was blessed with magical power. He had threatened many of the gods with mortal deaths and continuous pestering until one finally gave in and granted him power." I'm assuming that Vishnu is supposed to be Ravana, but I've been wrong in my assumptions before and I don't know if I'm just reading that paragraph the wrong way or if you just accidentally used the wrong name and I wanted to bring it to your attention just in case that's what it was. I really like the way you developed your characters in your stories, and how you continued to develop and describe your first character in your second story. Great job so far!
Hey Haley! Let me start by saying that your project looks amazing! Your choice of pictures and titles are perfect for the tone of your storybook. This is my first time reading your storybook and I was immediately drawn to you storybook because of the title. Many people do not realize the importance of having a great title. That is the first thing the reader sees. A great title conveys what your writing is about and also has ambiguity to peak the interest of the reader. I know that people say not to judge a book by its cover but we all tend to do it. You picked pictures that were so interesting and attention holding that it added to your storybook. As for the writing itself, you did a great job. I was sucked right in by your intro. You picked such a great subject to write about and I love how you changed the story about Ravana's gift from the gods a little bit to set up your storybook. You did such an amazing job!
I really enjoyed reading your first story that you added to your portfolio! I like the way you wrote it because you were very detailed. I think that details are very important when telling stories. When you said. "Kyra wiped the sweat from her brow and looked up towards the sky." I was instantly there with Kyra! I was able to follow along easily with the rest of the story. I wish the characters names we not so hard to pronounce. I always have a hard time with the names in the Indian Epics stories! I think that maybe a more vivid picture for the story would do it some justice ! Other than that, great job! I am excited to read more of your stories.
Hey, Haley! I really like the look and setup of your project site! Your stories are all intriguing and well rounded and your graphics match perfectly. I also really liked your introduction. It gives background information without feeling boring - it still tells a story. I think my revision suggestions are more form-based than anything. I love that you use dialogue. Dialogue is a great way to get characterization through showing the reader how a character speaks rather than telling. I think separating your dialogue from the regular text would be helpful and make it flow better. Also, I think a good proofreading out loud would help some of your dialogue construction. The dialogue is great but there are a few places where the phrasing is awkward. It's an easy fix. Read your work aloud to yourself or have some proofread it for you to catch those awkward spots. Nicely done!
Hey Haley! I remember reading your introduction a long time ago when we first started these projects, and I loved where your storybook was headed. Now that I got to read some of the stories, I love it even more!! It still had some of that Shadowhunter vibe (from the Mortal Instruments) when Vishwamitra was trying to get her to believe the story and fight Thataka. I'm not sure if that was intended or if that was part of your inspiration at all, but either way, your stories were so great to read. I also like how the stories are based off of Rama's journey with Vishwamitra and how each time they learn about a different demon, creature, or story and each new person finds the next warrior. In the Ramayana, Rama faces all the little obstacles, but I like how in your story, each warrior has a different story and is brought into the picture in a different way. Your storybook was really fun to read and I can't wait for the next story you add! Great job overall :)
I'm so glad I came back to read more of your storybook. I really liked the two stories you added since I last saw it! I really liked your story "Samaira" in particular. I liked that you delved a little deeper into Neerav's powers before introducing your next character. I also liked that Samaira had been looking for Kyra and Neerav. It's nice to see a hero that already knows their purpose and just needed to find the other hereoes. I would have liked to see maybe a paragraph or two intermixed into the first part of the story from Samaira's point of view since both Kyra and Neerav's intro stories included their points of view. Also a little more detail on what Samaira's exact powers are would be really useful. Overall great job! I'm so glad that I found your project again and I can't wait to read the final story.
I am checking back in with your project and it looks like you have continued to progress at a great pace throughout the course of the semester and think you have a really good project here. I got to come back and read your two newest stories and the thing I liked about them best was that you did a good job of setting each one up and continuing at the story along. The main story I focused on was the story regarding Neerav named "Samaira". One suggestion I would have would to add a little more detail to your writing as if some people do not know the backstory it was a little tough to follow but I think your writing is very well organized other than that. I am glad I got to come read more of your stories and think this is a great project and a job well done on your part.
Hey Haley! Even from the introduction to your story I can clearly see the stylistic choices of the "genre" shining through and I think that is really cool. I think the idea to separate the main character off into 4 separate characters works well in this short story format. not only because now it is very easy to separate the project off into the four required stories, but also because it allows you to build up four unique but simpler characters rather than only one.
As for the stories themselves I really like the choice to make the characters more vulnerable. That was one of my biggest complaints with the original story. I constantly wasn't invested because it felt like there was no danger to the characters. This also helps the four person story now because it kinda shows why they need to team up avengers style.
Hi there, grand-little! I didn’t know you were in Indian Epics. Emily and I are in the Mythology and Folklore class, and I thought I’d go through the Indian Epics stuff and I found you! How cool is that! I have to say that your Storybook was really fun to read, and I was really interested right from the get-go. The diversity of the characters throughout the different stories was kept me interested throughout your Storybook’s entirety. It’s nice to have variety, as it keeps the readers involved and keeps things fresh. The only thing that I can criticize is that your dialogue does not seem like the type of phrasing that people would say in real life. This is oftentimes a mistake people make, making the words characters actually say out loud too formal, which makes it unrealistic. Reading the dialogue out loud and typing it in a way that a person would say it in real life can fix this and make your story flow better. Great job on this! Really proud of you!
Hey, Haley! I am just finishing up the Myth & Folklore class and was taking a last look through the Indian Epics projects and your title caught my eye. I like the way your site is set up and your graphics are great. I also really like the format you have chosen for your project. Separating the perspective works really well for telling multiple sides of the same story. Well done. I think the only real thing that I would suggest taking a look at and perhaps revising is your dialogue. I realize that it is the end of the semester but here are my suggestions just in case. Your dialogue seems a little unrealistic. It seems forced and not very conversational. Which is a very easy trap to fall into when trying to stay true to a character. Dialogue was an area in which I struggled for a long time. The best way I have found to revise dialogue is to read it out loud and see where sentences and phrasing sounds awkward. Hope you enjoy your winter break.
Hey Haley!
ReplyDeleteWow, I love alternate tales, and this sounded like a great one just from the beginning! I love how Brahma thinks of a loophole to the power given to Ravana by Vishnu. I also love these types of stories, the typical "regular" person living their daily life, and then suddenly gets trapped in a world of magic or something and becomes a hero. The cover picture with four drawn characters kind of reminded me of the Harry Potter or Shadowhunters series :) I also thought it was cool that the heroes in this story won't be gods or any reincarnations. I can't wait to read the next part and see how exactly the girl realizes her true potential and finds the others! I like the length of the introduction, but if you wanted to make it a little longer, you could add a backstory of why Ravana wanted to invade all the kingdoms and why Vishnu had bestowed the power onto Ravana. Good job so far, and good luck on the rest of the project!
Haley, I just read the introduction to your Storybook. I liked that the introduction was centered around the characters' strategic planning. Even though we learn a little bit about the overall plan to defeat Ravana, you do not give away any important details. Instead, the ending of your post is very intriguing. A GIRL may be one of the chosen to defeat Ravana, and she doesn't even know it. This is one of those stories about a normal person being dragged into a situation they didn't even know existed, and these are always the best stories (i.e. Harry Potter, lol). A lot of the projects that I am seeing in this course seem to be very empowering for women, and I sense that aspect in your project, too. The only thing that I could suggest would be to try an editing challenge in which you try lengthening your paragraphs and adding more detail. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHi, Haley!
ReplyDeleteSo first of all, I love the images that you included in your title page and introduction. The four chibis are absolutely adorable! I like your idea on how to retell the Ramayana. Instead of just one person, like a god reincarnated as a human, it will take multiple normal humans working together to defeat Ravana. After reading all of these stories essentially of gods and their children, it is nice to see a set of stories about normal people. I am curious as to how you will find and develop each of these four warriors. Will they be of different backgrounds or castes? Will they all be proficient in different weapons or powers? The thought is just so exciting! In terms of critique, I do not see anything that has not already been mentioned or suggested, so I have nothing to add there. Good job on the introduction! I cannot wait to see what happens to the girl and what she must face to find her other three companions!
Haley,
ReplyDeleteI also am relating a lot of my storytelling back to the Ramayana as I think it is a fun topic to write about. I believe this story is most similar to some of our own lives and will be easiest to relate it back to daily lives here at OU. I didn't notice too many things wrong with your beginning but I would like to see a little bit more detail to show the readers more about who you're writing about but overall I really liked your writing as a whole. I also liked the set up of your website as it was very easy to navigate. I hope you will also get to read some of my project as well as I love to get some feedback for my peers on what I could do better with my writing. I hope that I get to read more of your work the rest of the semester and hope you have a good year!
Hey Haley! I just read through your introduction and I am intrigued to read what your next few stories will be about! I understand reading the introduction that it will involve four warriors, but will they all be female? I assume so based on the background photo that you've chosen for your storybook site. Although you explained well what your stories would be about and how you would change them, your author's note cut off, so I'm not sure what you were wanting to say at the end of it. I wonder, as well, what kind of adventures you will take us on when revealing each of the warriors. I like how you semi-introduced the first warrior and, of course, how she is a female. Girl power! I'm all for the strength that women have and to portray that in a story! Good luck with the rest of your storybook, can't wait to see what's next!
ReplyDeleteHi Haley!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your introduction! I liked that you gave some background on how the gods would be choosing heroes and that each of the heroes would have their own journeys. I think it sets you up nicely to have a lots to write about. I was curious as I was reading your introduction... will Rama make any kind of appearance? Will some version of him be one of the heroes? Or will the four heroes replace his character arc in the Ramayana?
I also really like your idea of adding some sort of magical conditions that prohibit a single person from killing Ravana. I think it will make the ultimate battle very interesting.
I did notice a couple of phrasing issues you might consider changing. Your second sentence of your second paragraph is very long. I would consider dividing it up into smaller sentences. Additionally, in your fourth paragraph you start a sentence with the phrase "It was because of this that". Rewording for clarity and adding a noun beside "this" would be helpful.
Overall I really liked your introduction and look forward to reading your story!
Elizabeth
Hey, Haley! I think it's super cool that you chose the topic of a female warrior in lieu of Rama - it's super unique, and there are so many awesome avenues you can take with it. I also love that the focus of your stories seems to be on the character of the protagonist rather than the progression of events, since you give that away in the introduction. This makes the stories even more interesting to read because it makes your characters' personalities a mystery. Specifically, the fact that you give Kyra a very sassy, strong attitude is very cool. I really loved your story on Kyra - I thought it was well crafted and quite humorous. The way you incorporated her sass and character into the entire ordeal borrowed from the original Ramayana was very clever, and it really complemented the details you had in your introduction in the conversation between Brahma and Vishnu. Aesthetically, your page is really pleasing, too - it is simple, yet powerful. Like some of the others have commented, perhaps you could switch up the background for each warrior to one that may aesthetically convey their nature? Overall, I really like the work that you have put into it so far, and look forward to reading more of it in the future!
ReplyDeleteHaley, I just read the introduction and first story of your storybook. I read the introduction maybe two weeks ago, and it seems like you made the girl, Kyra, even more intriguing which made me excited to read the first tale. Also, I like that you started the introduction with a gist of the Ramayana and then a blurb about what your project would be about. Reading Kyra's story, it was clear that she has a lot of personality. Also, giving the background story of the wife that Kyra had to defeat through dialogue was very clever. Throughout the tale, we got to know what Kyra was thinking and were given necessary information by the characters speaking with one another. This type of interaction ensures that the story isn't dry. The one thing that I would suggest would be to add some more pictures within the body of the text as we cannot easily see the pictures that are currently behind the story titles. Good job on this.
ReplyDeleteHello Haley,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I would like to say you did a great job with you r introduction. The idea of making your project about the "untold alternate stories" of of the Ramayana. You did a great job explaining how the four young warriors would be in battle to defeat Ravana, through out your project! I like how you didn't completely map out how the stories were going to be told in your project. Usually when I write my introduction I always try to give my audience a heads ups on the plot and the characters. However, now that I have seen how your wrote your introduction with a sort of mystery. I do have a suggestion. I thin k it would be beneficial if you put a link to your comment page on your home page of your project. I had some trouble getting to your comment wall. Great job though!
Hi Haley,
ReplyDeleteGreat job in your introduction. It is hard for me to come up with any critiques. You did a great job on balancing the dialogue with just the regular details. I have a difficult time doing this so! You seem to have pretty strong writing skills. I like how you never really gave away the story you always kind of left it a mystery as to what would continue happen as the story moved along. Even though you cannot really compare your story to this, but I think it is sort of similar to Powder Puff Girls. All of your characters are very empowering. Good job!
Hey there, Haley!
ReplyDeleteI was really impressed with your introduction and layout for your project! It is very nicely put together. Your introduction was great and provided a great amount of detail and backstory to leave me wanting to read more! I was very excited to see some projects for the Indian Epics class, and I think that yours did not disappoint. I think my favorite warrior was definitely Kyra. She was the one who set everything in motion and began recruiting the other three warriors. I think a defining moment for her was when Neerav was convinced that he was a chosen warrior by the look in Kyra's eyes. She is just a fierce competitor and she brought that fierceness everywhere that she went. I wonder what is going to happen in the next two adventures? Will the other warriors join the cause immediately, or will they be apprehensive? I am looking forward to what comes next!
Hi Haley!
ReplyDeleteI chose to read your storybook this week from the list. I think I chose yours because the title stood out to me. It seemed interesting from the start. Once I dove into your project, it just got better! Your layout was very neat and your website was definitely easy to navigate. I liked how you made your pictures the banner of you stories. It really intensifies it. I think that maybe it would be a good idea to also include the picture at the bottom. This way it isn’t quite so blown up and we can maybe see a more zoomed out version of the picture. However, it is cool that you just provided us with their eyes. It does make it seem fiercer. The actual stories were really fun to read and I have not criticism of those. The only thing I would suggest is that you provide an obvious link to your comment wall so that it is easier for us to give you feedback!
Haley,
ReplyDeleteI like the overall look and layout of your project. One suggestion on your homepage I would give you, is to give a link to the Ramayana where you reference this. Are you using a certain version of the Ramayana? Or are you choosing multiple different versions throughout your project? I think this would be something interesting and necessary to address. Where you have it written on your homepage would be the perfect place to add this information!
I love your story Kyra, I think it is my favorite out of your four! The story is so well done. I love the dialogue and description that goes on. The story flows so well and really draws me in. I also absolutely love the way you have the different layouts for each story. The eyes of the characters matching so well looks incredible.
Overall, your project looks amazing! From your layout to your stories, I am so impressed with what you've done so far!
Hi Haley. I read your introduction and first story about Kyra. I thought you did a wonderful job writing your story, but I do agree with Kayleigh about telling everyone in the introduction which version of the Ramanyana you are using just so people understand what's going on. You did a really great job with the dialogue. It flowed really well and the characters were very well developed. I don't really have a lot of critiques for you other than that. You are doing a great job. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHey, Haley
ReplyDeleteThis is actually my first time visiting your site. I really enjoy the clean and open layout- with only the anime eyes for each page. I enjoyed the color coordination of each of the stories and the characters. I question your lack of pictures throughout the story- it can make it difficult to stay interested in your story without more pictures throughout the dense text. But as I was reading- I decided I had changed my mind. Your stories are also so very detailed. There are characters included in your story that I had either forgotten about, or just never read about. Your understanding of the characters in the Ramayana must be quite immense. Overall, great stories so far- and I look forward to stopping by later to check the final layout of your project. Oh, and I think you would really enjoy some Lo-Fi anime vibe videos on youtube. You could imbed a video on your page and I think your readers would really vibe with it.
Haley,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the main picture on your website. It is welcoming and sweet, but it still is interesting because of the title (I am excited to see how these four characters become warriors). I just received some helpful feedback from another classmate that I think would find helpful as well: he suggested that I add a link to my comment wall to my home page on my project. I found this to be very helpful for both me and my readers. As for your stories, I found them equally as interesting!
Your introduction gave exceptional background information in order to understand the stories, and they all related to each other! I love that part about your project; it was very easy to follow. Also, I feel like it is very difficult to add dialogue in some stories, and I love the detail you put in to the characters' conversations. I think my favorite of your stories was Neerav; the opening was very romantic, and I am a sucker for a good love story. Thank you for your awesome writing!
Hi Haley,
ReplyDeleteI just read the first two stories of your storybook and really enjoyed them. I love your theme of spreading Rama's characteristics and talents across a group of four rather than having one person embody them all. I think a downfall to a lot of ancient stories is that the hero's have almost no weaknesses. Within your first two stories you create two sympathetic character that also feel human and have weaknesses.
In your second story, your author's notes says that Neerav is very witty and intelligent and that those will be his greatest strengths. I think it would have been nice to have Neerav have some opportunity to show his skills in his introduction story like Kyra was able to in hers. It might give the reader a better feel for the character and keep the flow of your storybook consistent. Overall, I really liked your storybook and look forward to reading more!
- Elizabeth
Hi Haley!
ReplyDeleteIt looks like your storybook is off to a really awesome start! The homepage image is so super cute, and perfect for your story. Then the stories themselves are great too! The introduction is fantastic. I love that it gives all the detail that a reader will need to understand what is going on in your story, plus it adds some insight to the minds of the gods, which I feel like we definitely miss out on in other Indian Epics. I feel like it's going to be so interesting to have four humans teaming up to defeat Ravana. The way you explain your heroes in your author's note, it sounds like it's going to be great having fallible humans who each embody an aspect needed to defeat Ravana in the end. It's a great way to make the story more interesting and give it more depth. I can't wait to meet the other heroes and see how they all mesh together. It should be interesting!
Hi Haley! Your portfolio looks great so far! I really like what you have done with spreading Rama's traits across a group of people, that is a super interesting way to do this assignment. Your introduction does a great job of getting the reader a good place to start from to really understand how your stories connect. Your stories are very well written and are fun to read. The layout of your site is great as well. I like the clean, open design of the homepage and the background picture really goes well with what you are doing with your stories. Your characters are very interesting and well-developed and I am excited to see how they do battling the Ravana as a team. I really like how you separated the stories into individual tales of each one. Overall I think you have done a very good job with this portfolio
ReplyDeleteHaley, I just read your second storybook story on Neerav. I love the juxtaposition of Kyra and Vishwamithra. It is so funny to read about an old man who never stops smiling and a young teenage girl with an attitude. Neerav is also completely different from these two characters. He seems shy and unsure of himself, and I get the feeling that he has probably never felt very appreciated in his life. I am sure that the adventure that he is about to go on with the others will allow him to show his strengths! Also, it is great that you have the other two titles posted already. This proves that you have a plan and it will entice your readers into coming back to read the finished project! I would suggest adding some more pictures within the body of the text, as the only pictures that are on the blog now are behind the story titles. More pictures will only serve to help your reader imagine the setting and imagery that you are creating for them. Good job on this!
ReplyDeleteHi again, Haley! Last time, I had read your story about Kyra, so this time I read the story of Neerav. I think the crux of Neerav's story was absolutely wonderful - the way that you connected Kyra's story with Neerav's was very helpful for the reader, and the connecting element of Vishwamitra made the Ramayana-related themes apparent. I thought the story flowed very smoothly, and the message behind it was bold . Reading your author's note about your story, I thought that, although there you mentioned that there was no immediate connection to events in the Ramayana, the resemblance to when Rama initially leaves to go fight Tataki was somewhat apparent. Overall, I think that your storytelling was very nice, and leaves me grasping for more. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Haley!
ReplyDeleteYour project looks great and I can definitely tell that you've put a lot of work into it.
In your introduction, I am a little bit confused by these two sentences - "What was even more pressing was the fact that Vishnu was blessed with magical power. He had threatened many of the gods with mortal deaths and continuous pestering until one finally gave in and granted him power." I'm assuming that Vishnu is supposed to be Ravana, but I've been wrong in my assumptions before and I don't know if I'm just reading that paragraph the wrong way or if you just accidentally used the wrong name and I wanted to bring it to your attention just in case that's what it was.
I really like the way you developed your characters in your stories, and how you continued to develop and describe your first character in your second story.
Great job so far!
Hey Haley! Let me start by saying that your project looks amazing! Your choice of pictures and titles are perfect for the tone of your storybook. This is my first time reading your storybook and I was immediately drawn to you storybook because of the title. Many people do not realize the importance of having a great title. That is the first thing the reader sees. A great title conveys what your writing is about and also has ambiguity to peak the interest of the reader. I know that people say not to judge a book by its cover but we all tend to do it. You picked pictures that were so interesting and attention holding that it added to your storybook. As for the writing itself, you did a great job. I was sucked right in by your intro. You picked such a great subject to write about and I love how you changed the story about Ravana's gift from the gods a little bit to set up your storybook. You did such an amazing job!
ReplyDeleteHello Haley!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your first story that you added to your portfolio! I like the way you wrote it because you were very detailed. I think that details are very important when telling stories. When you said. "Kyra wiped the sweat from her brow and looked up towards the sky." I was instantly there with Kyra! I was able to follow along easily with the rest of the story. I wish the characters names we not so hard to pronounce. I always have a hard time with the names in the Indian Epics stories! I think that maybe a more vivid picture for the story would do it some justice ! Other than that, great job! I am excited to read more of your stories.
Hey, Haley! I really like the look and setup of your project site! Your stories are all intriguing and well rounded and your graphics match perfectly. I also really liked your introduction. It gives background information without feeling boring - it still tells a story. I think my revision suggestions are more form-based than anything. I love that you use dialogue. Dialogue is a great way to get characterization through showing the reader how a character speaks rather than telling. I think separating your dialogue from the regular text would be helpful and make it flow better. Also, I think a good proofreading out loud would help some of your dialogue construction. The dialogue is great but there are a few places where the phrasing is awkward. It's an easy fix. Read your work aloud to yourself or have some proofread it for you to catch those awkward spots. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteHey Haley! I remember reading your introduction a long time ago when we first started these projects, and I loved where your storybook was headed. Now that I got to read some of the stories, I love it even more!! It still had some of that Shadowhunter vibe (from the Mortal Instruments) when Vishwamitra was trying to get her to believe the story and fight Thataka. I'm not sure if that was intended or if that was part of your inspiration at all, but either way, your stories were so great to read. I also like how the stories are based off of Rama's journey with Vishwamitra and how each time they learn about a different demon, creature, or story and each new person finds the next warrior. In the Ramayana, Rama faces all the little obstacles, but I like how in your story, each warrior has a different story and is brought into the picture in a different way. Your storybook was really fun to read and I can't wait for the next story you add! Great job overall :)
ReplyDeleteHi Haley!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I came back to read more of your storybook. I really liked the two stories you added since I last saw it! I really liked your story "Samaira" in particular. I liked that you delved a little deeper into Neerav's powers before introducing your next character. I also liked that Samaira had been looking for Kyra and Neerav. It's nice to see a hero that already knows their purpose and just needed to find the other hereoes. I would have liked to see maybe a paragraph or two intermixed into the first part of the story from Samaira's point of view since both Kyra and Neerav's intro stories included their points of view. Also a little more detail on what Samaira's exact powers are would be really useful. Overall great job! I'm so glad that I found your project again and I can't wait to read the final story.
-Elizabeth
Haley,
ReplyDeleteI am checking back in with your project and it looks like you have continued to progress at a great pace throughout the course of the semester and think you have a really good project here. I got to come back and read your two newest stories and the thing I liked about them best was that you did a good job of setting each one up and continuing at the story along. The main story I focused on was the story regarding Neerav named "Samaira". One suggestion I would have would to add a little more detail to your writing as if some people do not know the backstory it was a little tough to follow but I think your writing is very well organized other than that. I am glad I got to come read more of your stories and think this is a great project and a job well done on your part.
Hey Haley!
ReplyDeleteEven from the introduction to your story I can clearly see the stylistic choices of the "genre" shining through and I think that is really cool. I think the idea to separate the main character off into 4 separate characters works well in this short story format. not only because now it is very easy to separate the project off into the four required stories, but also because it allows you to build up four unique but simpler characters rather than only one.
As for the stories themselves I really like the choice to make the characters more vulnerable. That was one of my biggest complaints with the original story. I constantly wasn't invested because it felt like there was no danger to the characters. This also helps the four person story now because it kinda shows why they need to team up avengers style.
Hi there, grand-little! I didn’t know you were in Indian Epics. Emily and I are in the Mythology and Folklore class, and I thought I’d go through the Indian Epics stuff and I found you! How cool is that!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that your Storybook was really fun to read, and I was really interested right from the get-go. The diversity of the characters throughout the different stories was kept me interested throughout your Storybook’s entirety. It’s nice to have variety, as it keeps the readers involved and keeps things fresh. The only thing that I can criticize is that your dialogue does not seem like the type of phrasing that people would say in real life. This is oftentimes a mistake people make, making the words characters actually say out loud too formal, which makes it unrealistic. Reading the dialogue out loud and typing it in a way that a person would say it in real life can fix this and make your story flow better.
Great job on this! Really proud of you!
Hey, Haley! I am just finishing up the Myth & Folklore class and was taking a last look through the Indian Epics projects and your title caught my eye. I like the way your site is set up and your graphics are great. I also really like the format you have chosen for your project. Separating the perspective works really well for telling multiple sides of the same story. Well done. I think the only real thing that I would suggest taking a look at and perhaps revising is your dialogue. I realize that it is the end of the semester but here are my suggestions just in case. Your dialogue seems a little unrealistic. It seems forced and not very conversational. Which is a very easy trap to fall into when trying to stay true to a character. Dialogue was an area in which I struggled for a long time. The best way I have found to revise dialogue is to read it out loud and see where sentences and phrasing sounds awkward. Hope you enjoy your winter break.
ReplyDelete